College Kids: Learn How to Bike

Dear cyclists at large Midwestern university:

Please learn how to bike. Although you think you have the right of way you do not. Walkers have the right of way. And yes, you should say “on your left” and indeed pass on the left of slower movers. The alternative could cause you to run into them forcing them to say “sorry” for getting in your way. And yes, if you are riding in the street you should obey such street signs as yield and stop and not just blow through all intersections all the time. Last but not least, please do not ride in the middle of a narrow campus street at 2 miles per hour when there are side walks, bike trails, and bike lanes all over campus.

Thank you bunches,
PEPa Talk

Nose Job

I’m not one to complain about my looks but if I had to pick one thing I’d like to change about my appearance it’d probably be my nose. It’s that one feature that reminds me every day that I don’t have those all-American good looks I always hoped for. Instead I look more Eastern European…and there’s really nothing wrong with that.

Although there’s no guaranteed proof of the causation, I like to think my big(ger) nose is the reason my face runs into things so frequently. It certainly has nothing to do with my utter lack of grace. Let’s just say my nose is not gonna get an smaller if I don’t stop smashing it into such objects as floors, tanning beds, doors, and walls.

Before I tell the story of last night’s nose smashing I will start with the first few times I thought I broke my nose.

Story one: Oops, i forgot my arms
Gymnastics, age 13. Missed the high bar. Fell into a belly smacker on the ground. Never thought to put my hands down to protect my face during the face-first fall into the ground. Oops.

Story two: Tanning beds are bad for your health
Never sneeze in the tanning bad. It’s worse than the cancer the UV rays will give you over time. Nuff said.

Story three: What’s wrong with your face?
My second year of grad school I was interning and working quite a bit while taking a full load of credits. I was tired and overworked during my busiest week of the year and went to the bathroom during class to splash some water on my face to keep myself awake. On the way out the door decided not to open all the way but I continued to walk forward anyway. I saw stars and literally thought I broke my face. It’s kind of tough to stay inconspicuous when you sneak back to class after being gone waaay too long and you’re face is starting to bruise and swell. The next day my supervisor just looked at me and simply said “what’s wrong with your face?” Awesome.

And now on to my most recent story…
Story four: I swear there was never a wall there
I stayed at a friends house last night. I want to mention this because the injury did not occur in my own home where I clearly know the placement of the walls. I went to the bathroom before bed. All the lights were out, it was very dark. Walked out of the bathroom, turned left to go to bed and boom! There goes the wall. I have walked in and out of that bathroom a million times, definitely should have known I needed to take a few steps forward before turning down the hall. Needless to say I was laughed at…and rightfully so. Damn clutz!

If anyone is reading this and would like to pay for my nose job from all the damage I’ve done over the years I certainly wouldn’t object haha.

Experiential Education

My friends and family will all attest that I am an awkward clumsy dumb blond in an unassuming package. This is probably why I attract a similar type…even in the workplace.

Last week my girl Ash started a new internship at [insert name of American car company here]. Like me she is a bit uncoordinated and smart as hell but a little, well, ditsy. She humbly shared her first couple days on the job with me and what do I do? Share her embarrassing stories with the world! Love you G!!

Day 1: Orientation

Monday at orientation we were finalizing paperwork and sitting in a big conference room with all the new interns (about 75). We had just completed the token awkward ice breaker. The exercise didnt seem too difficult, just ask the person next to you three interesting facts about themselves and write down their name and school. So, I’m sitting there cracking jokes, and talking non-stop to try to dispel the difficulty of communicating with an engineer and the lady organizing the orientation walks up to me and says “Go ahead, dear.” and hands me a microphone. Ummmmmm Whaaatt????? Naturally I didn’t read the instructions on the ice breaker so I just stood up and start introducing myself and saying Go State and how I’m doing purchasing and I’m all excited to get started and how my last names is goodenough but i love it anyways, blah blah blah. Basically just rambling on and on about myself and trying to crack some jokes (Apparently this is what I do when I’m nervous??). Then I get a little tap on the shoulder and the woman tells me that this was the second part of the ice breaker and I was actually suppose to be introducing the person next to me for the last 3 minutes… But OH!…not to end there… I was then so just, like confused and embarrassed that I forgot my partner’s name and asked if I could “consult my notes” because I forgot what to say. Allll while the microphone is right up to my mouth.

Lessons learned:
1. Never be the first to take the microphone
2. Always read the instructions
3. Pretend it didn’t happen

Day 4: Keep Your Head Up

My head’s still spinning with all this information but after the third day I’m happy to report things are getting much better. I’m putting together large concepts and figuring out how to analyze the smallest parts of a car. Right down to the $0.02 tooling it takes to screw in a weldnut…exciting I know. It actually is very interesting. I like it. Anyways, today my supervisor and I were walking back to our desks after a long meeting about financing and piece prices. If you know me, you know that I am horrible at paying attention to my surroundings. We had just rounded the corner of the office cubicles when my supervisor ecstatically asks me if I just saw the man that walked by us. I looked up and around and said “No, shoot! I wasn’t paying attention. Was he cute?”. My supervisor responds “Umm no. That was [insert name of billionaire car company heir here]”.

Lessons Learned:
1. Walk with your head up
2. Always say hello
3. Figure out if that guy is single 😉 just kidding

Enjoying the Little Things

One thing I really want to work on more is appreciating the weird, interesting, and fun/funny things in life. So here’s my attempt to pay homage to my goal.

Last night, a friend of a friend whom I had never met before told me I have nice feet. She put it like this: “I’m not a foot person, but I can really appreciate that you have nice feet.” Weird yes, but kinda flattering to a girl who has often been told her feet enter a room before she does. It must be that trendy florescent orangey-pink polish I’m rocking this spring that caught her attention. 🙂

The introduction of Karmin Music (karminmusic.com). Seriously this made my week. This effing girl is 1) really pretty and 2) super talented. Anyone that can rap as fast as Busta deserves an award.

Ukulele day at the coffee shop. Imagine my surprise when I walk into my fav coffee/pizza shop in Old Town and there are about 100 people there with ukuleles. Yes it was slightly strange, but totally worth experiencing. Especially when I got to see a 4 year old and his dad jam out. Apparently you have to wear a Hawaiian shirt to be a part of this club. Haha gotta love it.

Now, if I could only find a friend to go to the Roller Derby with me tonight…come on!!

Poop Story

I went to a comedy show recently (yay for Chris Farley’s fat, annoying, and not as funny brother Kevin) and was completely dumbfounded by the number of fart and poop jokes said by all comedians that night. Not sure why I would expect that grown adults could come up with something more entertaining to talk about besides, well, poop. Then I remembered how hilarious poop and farts are…at any age.

The following is a story Ky’s sister shared about her six-year-old son’s upset tummy. Since it involves the topic of the day (poop) I thought I’d be appropriate. Enjoy.

So, today when I picked E up from school I asked how his day was.

He said: “Well, actually half of it was terrible.” I asked why. He replied, “Well, because I had an upset tummy and I had to go to the bathroom at lunch time. I had ‘explosive diarrhea’, Mom, and you know how it takes me a long time to go # 2, well I was in there all of lunch and recess (this is 40 MINUTES). So, I didn’t get to eat my lunch and then I couldn’t find my lunch pail. The nurse and another teacher got me a sandwich, snack and a milk, and then I couldn’t go outside because time ran out. And, I had to eat all by myself.”

To which I responded, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry…. pause…. did you tell anyone that you had ‘explosive diarrhea’?”

E returns, “Oh yeah, I told Nurse S, Mrs. R, and my teacher.”

I plead, “Honey, do you really think you have to give people that much information about when you go potty? Isn’t there another way you could refer to things?”

E: “Well, Mom, I just told them what happened. It felt like my ‘butt was going to explode’ so I said I had ‘explosive diarrhea’…. what else was I supposed to say when it felt like ‘my butt could explode’?”

Mom: “That’s fine honey, I’m so sorry you got sick at school, I just hope you washed your hands really well.”

E: “Yeah, I just was sad that I missed recess…I hope I don’t have ‘explosive diarrhea’ tomorrow.”

Mom: “Me too E… me too.”

The Creeper of all Creepers: Annoying Desperate Creepy Creeper

Ok, I’ll admit it, my friends put me on match.com for my birthday this winter because they thought it’d be “good for me.” I let them do it because I thought it’d be “hilarious.” Turns out both of us were right (but not in the way you might think). Btw, my account is shut down  now so don’t try looking for me.

In the first two or three weeks I was on match, I had 72 connections (whatever that means), 53 “winks,” and 23 emails. I don’t know if that’s a lot or a little, but with the line “if you’re a creeper, I’m not interested” I knew I’d attract all the creepers. Yes!

My first match.com email was from a 41 year old bald man with a headline that read: Did you just grab my butt? (seriously)

I’m not going to get into the fact that I specifically said in my profile that I was looking for guys between the ages of 26-33 and if I had the option to pick only men with hair, I would have…just to see if guys could follow direction.

Now, I didn’t really take the time to read up on my online dating etiquette so the series of emails this guy sent me may be my fault. Apparently I’m supposed to politely say “no, thanks.” Well I’m from the school of hard knocks that says if someone does NOT reply to your messages, that probably means he/she is NOT interested.  Please read:

Email #1: Do you like donuts :)?, sent January 27, 2011

I’m willing to bet you a donut that you’re getting about 50 emails a day, from 75 year old men offering to be your sugar daddy….If that’s the case then this EMAIL should be *Really* refreshing.
ME : )… I’m looking for cool people to have good times and good conversations with. If you are looking for a needy lap dog of a guy then I’m not the man for you. I look 33 and act 28(haha), I’m 6’0 and attractive, broad at the shoulders, and narrow at the hips Body type. You know : )…kinda like Superman : ) haha. I’m also a small business owner and have my life together. I’m funny, really funny… so be ready. Worst case? You seem like you might make a cool friend, so I would like to get together sometime but I am extremely busy so to weed out the “uninteresting” : ) TELL me something about yourself that would make ME want to get to know you better : ). Like, what your favorite ice cream flavor is, and why? If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? Cheers

Annoying, desperate, creepy creeper

This one went directly to my delete box.

Email #2: (no title), sent January 30, 2011

I’m sure you’re busy and that’s why you have not gotten back to me : ). I have prepared some easy replies for you that you can just cut and paste : ) because I’m sure you’re very busy doing whatever it is that you do . I’m guessing you work at a Secretary of State branch because you are very good at wasting my time : ) Haha!!!
1. Yes, Mr. Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re VERY HOT ; ) unfortunately your email was lost in the Match sea of jack asses but I would love to get together with you : ).
2. Yes, Mr. Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re very hot ; ) I have just been too busy to get back to you and I will EMAIL you in the next couple of days.
3. Yes, Mr.Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re very hot ; ) but alas I have met someone just as hot as you and we are going to see where things go.
4. Yes, Mr. Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re very hot ; ) but you’re not my type so good luck on your search.
5. I don’t think any of this is funny. I take myself way to seriously and I have to go NOW because I have a therapy appointment… but yes you are very hot ; ).

Haha!!! Select which applies and shoot me back.

Cheers

Annoying, desperate, creepy creeper

I LOLed at this one, but that’s about it.

Email #3: OIC :)!!!, sent February 2, 2011

Ok… Tell me if I’m off : )… your scared of meeting such an intelligent, fun, charismatic rockstar like myself : )(haha), because you’ll fall so hopelessly in love you couldn’t take the rejection, fall into habitual drinking, and eventually kill yourself… but really it’s okay… I’ll treat you like an ass and you’ll hate me… life will go on ; ) Haha!!!Joke: Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Holy Shit it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Holy Shit… A talking muffin!Haha!!!

After this if you cant see that getting know someone like me could (haha) be a fun thing… I give up : ).

Cheers

Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper

Yup, give it up, buddy. Who needs the therapy?? Pretty sure it’s NOT me. But thanks for the good laugh.

I’m Baaaack!

Eff necessary changes, I’m back bitches. No more gloomy stuff. Only fun. Bring on it on.

Necessary Changes

PEPa Talk (and Pepa) are making some some necessary changes these days…hence the lack of updates the last few months. For the regular PEPa Talk stories, look for the launch of pepatalk.com in the near future.

Until then, this blog is going to be transformed into a venue to chronicle said changes.  Why the change in the PEPa Talk format, you ask? Well, Pepa has made some major life decisions – some satisfying, some poor – and needs a place to share without the judgment and input of others. If you’re reading this right now you are only one of a few privileged individuals I’m allowing to know about my problems and feelings…something I’m accustomed to sharing.

A Real Man…

Anyone who know’s me well can tell you I HATE forwards. They are usually so stupid I lose IQ points just by opening the email at all. That is until you get one like this. Thank you Aunt T for going ahead and sending this one on!

A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine.
Never mind.

The Things You Can Find on the Internet

Seriously, this is the sweetest thing I’ve ever found online…

Thank you to whomever created it. I couldn’t have come up with anything more perfect myself.