Ok, I’ll admit it, my friends put me on match.com for my birthday this winter because they thought it’d be “good for me.” I let them do it because I thought it’d be “hilarious.” Turns out both of us were right (but not in the way you might think). Btw, my account is shut down now so don’t try looking for me.
In the first two or three weeks I was on match, I had 72 connections (whatever that means), 53 “winks,” and 23 emails. I don’t know if that’s a lot or a little, but with the line “if you’re a creeper, I’m not interested” I knew I’d attract all the creepers. Yes!
My first match.com email was from a 41 year old bald man with a headline that read: Did you just grab my butt? (seriously)
I’m not going to get into the fact that I specifically said in my profile that I was looking for guys between the ages of 26-33 and if I had the option to pick only men with hair, I would have…just to see if guys could follow direction.
Now, I didn’t really take the time to read up on my online dating etiquette so the series of emails this guy sent me may be my fault. Apparently I’m supposed to politely say “no, thanks.” Well I’m from the school of hard knocks that says if someone does NOT reply to your messages, that probably means he/she is NOT interested. Please read:
Email #1: Do you like donuts :)?, sent January 27, 2011
I’m willing to bet you a donut that you’re getting about 50 emails a day, from 75 year old men offering to be your sugar daddy….If that’s the case then this EMAIL should be *Really* refreshing.
ME : )… I’m looking for cool people to have good times and good conversations with. If you are looking for a needy lap dog of a guy then I’m not the man for you. I look 33 and act 28(haha), I’m 6’0 and attractive, broad at the shoulders, and narrow at the hips Body type. You know : )…kinda like Superman : ) haha. I’m also a small business owner and have my life together. I’m funny, really funny… so be ready. Worst case? You seem like you might make a cool friend, so I would like to get together sometime but I am extremely busy so to weed out the “uninteresting” : ) TELL me something about yourself that would make ME want to get to know you better : ). Like, what your favorite ice cream flavor is, and why? If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? Cheers
Annoying, desperate, creepy creeper
This one went directly to my delete box.
Email #2: (no title), sent January 30, 2011
I’m sure you’re busy and that’s why you have not gotten back to me : ). I have prepared some easy replies for you that you can just cut and paste : ) because I’m sure you’re very busy doing whatever it is that you do . I’m guessing you work at a Secretary of State branch because you are very good at wasting my time : ) Haha!!!
1. Yes, Mr. Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re VERY HOT ; ) unfortunately your email was lost in the Match sea of jack asses but I would love to get together with you : ).
2. Yes, Mr. Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re very hot ; ) I have just been too busy to get back to you and I will EMAIL you in the next couple of days.
3. Yes, Mr.Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re very hot ; ) but alas I have met someone just as hot as you and we are going to see where things go.
4. Yes, Mr. Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper You’re very hot ; ) but you’re not my type so good luck on your search.
5. I don’t think any of this is funny. I take myself way to seriously and I have to go NOW because I have a therapy appointment… but yes you are very hot ; ).
Haha!!! Select which applies and shoot me back.
Annoying, desperate, creepy creeper
I LOLed at this one, but that’s about it.
Email #3: OIC :)!!!, sent February 2, 2011
Ok… Tell me if I’m off : )… your scared of meeting such an intelligent, fun, charismatic rockstar like myself : )(haha), because you’ll fall so hopelessly in love you couldn’t take the rejection, fall into habitual drinking, and eventually kill yourself… but really it’s okay… I’ll treat you like an ass and you’ll hate me… life will go on ; ) Haha!!!Joke: Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Holy Shit it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Holy Shit… A talking muffin!Haha!!!
After this if you cant see that getting know someone like me could (haha) be a fun thing… I give up : ).
Annoying, Desperate, Creepy Creeper
Yup, give it up, buddy. Who needs the therapy?? Pretty sure it’s NOT me. But thanks for the good laugh.